Mom-to-Mom Tips: Feeling Disconnected From Husband After Having a Baby

In this article, we’re discussing that many moms struggle with and not a whole lot feel comfortable talking about: feeling disconnected from your husband after having a baby.

This topic is close to my heart; my spouse and I went through this (on both sides) after our daughters were born. Here are a few tips we learned along the way that helped.

After giving birth to my first baby, I felt like my relationship with my husband had completely changed. Before, we did everything together. Now, it felt like there was a widening chasm growing between us. Even our sleeping schedule was at odds; He would stay awake late into the night playing video games with his friends, while I went to bed early in an attempt to rest before the next nursing session.

I felt dejected, overworked, and underappreciated.

It felt wrong that I was supposed to cope with all of the new responsibilities, and my best friend–the one I relied on the most–was no longer there for me.

If you’re feeling disconnected from your husband after baby arrives, you’re not alone. It’s normal to feel this way after giving birth…but while many new parents experience this tension, that doesn’t make it any any easier to cope with. 

In this post, we’re going to chat about ways to reconnect with your husband after having a baby, how to express your emotions in a healthy way, and listen to his as well.

Before we get started, let me encourage you: nearly seven years after my daughter’s birth,  our relationship has deepened. We miss each other deeply when we’re apart. And occasionally, much to our children’s horror, we still grab each other’s butt in public. TMI. I know.

The point is, we got through this horrible phase. I believe you can too, friend.

Look, I’m not a therapist. I am, however, a fellow mom who has experienced this pain first-hand. From one mom to another, here are a few things that helped during this difficult time.

How Do I Reconnect with My husband After Having a Baby? 6 Tips to Help You Bond

This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase from one of the links I will make a small commission at no charge to you. Blunders in Babyland does not diagnose, treat, or give out any professional advice for any medical conditions.

Don’t Ignore Your Feelings–Dig Into Them

Do you ever downplay your feelings?

I know I do! In the story above, I told myself that I didn’t have the right to begrudge my husband for playing video games with his friends while I was “stuck” in our bedroom with the baby. 

Logically, it didn’t make sense for him to give up his free time for me. But that doesn’t mean that my feelings were invalid.

If you’re feeling distant from your husband, ask yourself why.

When do you feel this way? What does he do specifically that makes you feel disconnected? Or…be honest…are you the one who is creating the distance? Ask yourself why.

When I dived into my feelings, I realized that my resentment stemmed from three things: 1. He was having fun with his friends while we barely laughed or spent time together. 2. He didn’t seem to care that I wasn’t with him. And 3., I felt like our baby responsibilities were unfairly distributed.

Suddenly, my “illogical” feelings made sense. Thinking through this helped us come up with some solutions that validated and satisfied both of us.

In case you’re wondering, we spent more time together during the day. Sometimes he did sacrifice for me and–despite being bored out of his mind–laid in bed with me while I slept. And, he took on some of the bedtime responsibilities.

My point is this: really analyze your feelings. List out the specifics. Be open to solutions.

Communicate with the Intention to Reconnect by 

Okay. You dug into your feelings. You understand exactly what is causing distress. If you needed to make a list about specific behaviors and instances that cause you to feel disconnected from him, you could. 

Now it’s time to share your feelings with your husband.

Before speaking with him, try to get into the mindset that he’s your partner. He wants to help.

This is extremely hard to do when you feel neglected and emotionally, physically, and mentally distant. Every instinct might be screaming “he doesn’t care.” You’ll have to make the conscious decision assume the best of him. 

Tell him how you feel and not what you think he’s doing. Use “I feel {Emotion} because {His action or A Situation} statements.”

For example, you would say. 

“Last night I felt alone and overwhelmed because I had to take care of the baby by myself.”

Instead of:

“Last night, you went out with your friends and left me with the baby. Don’t you think I need a break? I get lonely too.”

We’re conveying our feelings in both statements, but one is free of judgment, whereas the other one makes a subtle accusation. 

It is so hard to do this when you’re already in an emotional state. And, 9/10 your husband’s response will not be what you expected or hoped for.

However, making open statements that merely focus on sharing your feelings encourages him to share his. Try to look at it through that perspective. You both want to share pieces of yourself so you can reconnect. 

It’s also a good idea to walk into the conversation with a possible solution. For example, in our scenario above, you might say. “I know that spending time with your friends is important to you. Can you take over putting the baby to bed tonight to give me a break as well?”

Or something like that. 

Speak to Other Moms

Healthy friendships are essential. For you, for your baby, and even for your husband.

A friend of mine confessed that she had withdrawn from her husband after her baby was born. Obviously, based on my experiences, I latched onto that conversation quickly–armed with an arsenal of first-hand experiences. 

But.

Unlike me, her husband was desperately reaching out to her, and she simply couldn’t connect with him.

She felt resentful that he didn’t do anything while her baby was screaming in the night. And during the day, he didn’t help out either. At least, not in any way she could quantify. Logically, she knew that some one-on-one time might heal their relationship. But she didn’t feel like it.

Because she felt underappreciated and alone, she had distanced herself from him. He, in turn, felt rejected and pushed her away as well. It was a nasty cycle.

Thankfully, my other friend recognized this poor woman’s feelings and offered great advice (which is below, by the way).

And here is the value in friendships.

Sharing served her in two ways: it allowed her to get all of this guilt and resentment off her shoulders in a safe place. It also allowed her to receive advice that would help both her and her husband.

A word of caution though: share with your friends, but try not to accuse your husband. I’ve noticed that this just amplifies the problem, and it makes your friend partial to your plight, which can damage your relationship more. 

Do Things Together

Are you wondering what my friend’s advice was?

Do things together. Even when you don’t feel like it or enjoy each other’s presence. 

My husband and I went to restaurants during my baby’s naptime. Sometimes, this sparked meaningful conversations. Other times we sat in quiet exhaustion. In any case, it thawed the tension between us and made us feel like a couple again.

If you can, try to have a date night without your baby. However, if baby comes along, that’s fine. There’s plenty of couples activities you can do with your little one:

• Go to the Park
  
• Go to a Car Show (Obviously, not all guys obsess over cars like my man. But, if you can think of a quiet activity he’d be in to, that would be perfect).
  
• Visit the Zoo or the Aquarium. No, your newborn won’t care about the fishies yet. But, most of these locations are extremely baby friendly and provide a laid-back space for y’all to reconnect.
  
• Eat dinner at a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try out: The goal is to create new memories.
  
• Go on a road trip: Yep, you absolutely can with an infant. Even if it’s just three hours away, a change of scene helps refresh your mind and your heart.
  

Just Kiss

Physical intimacy is important to any relationship. But that doesn’t necessarily mean sex.

When my second baby came around, the status of our relationship flipped.

While my husband’s emotional distance had hurt me before, my physical distance hurt him now. He felt like I no longer wanted him. Pre-baby, we were in love and attracted to each other. The next, my entire identity revolved around being a mother. Looking back, he wasn’t wrong.

It’s crucial for your husband or partner to support you and be patient with your physical recovery. However, this is partnership, and his concerns and feelings are valid too.
But while sex can make you feel more connected, it’s not exactly a priority when you’re four weeks postpartum, your body is still recovering from  bringing a baby into the world, and you’re nursing in the wee ours of the morning.

The good news is, there’s other ways to physically bond! Like kissing. A good ol’ fashioned make out session can be good for the soul.

Don’t feel like kissing? How about a cuddle while watching your favorite show? Try to be intentional about increasing your physical touch. Hold hands. Hug each other. Grab his butt. 😉

Decide to Love Him Anyway

This is a tough one. Sometimes, when you feel distant from someone, you would rather leave them and spare yourself the pain.

Shortly after my daughter was born, I felt so isolated that I thought, “Being a single mom would be easier than this. Being alone would be easier than this.”

Who knows, that might have been true. But if I had given up then, we wouldn’t have developed a deeper understanding relationship.

Acknowledging that your relationship isn’t what it should be, and deciding to love your husband anyway, gives you the grace and patience you’ll need until things improve.

But what if things don’t improve?

Try Counseling

If your relationship has become a haze of resentment, it might be time to get a therapist or counselor involved.

To be clear, I don’t think counseling should be only a last resort. If you’re struggling to connect with hubby, I think it could be an early solution–one to try before you begin to hate each other and  your marriage is on the rocks. 

Counseling allows you to explain yourself without feeling judged. Also, it could provide an opportunity for him to share his perspective.

Sometimes guys feel the need to walk on eggshells and hold back their emotions because they’re afraid of hurting us. In the presence of a good counselor, he might feel comfortable truly telling you how he feels.

Just give it a shot.

Make sure your counselor’s worldview and practices align with yours though. That can be hard to do, but checking out a counselor’s bio and/or reviews can be extremely helpful. 

Split the Responsibilities

Do you both work and you’re still the only one taking care of the baby? Or maybe he’s the breadwinner, and your “one” job is to stay at home with the baby? In either situation, taking on the responsibilities of a newborn alone can drive you apart.

Sometimes men feel more comfortable taking on the role of the provider financially, rather than splitting the caretaking tasks. And sometimes, babies just freak them out and they have no idea what to do with them.

Whatever the “why” behind the problem, the solution is still the same:

Talk about it.

Sit down, make a list of all of the responsibilities that you’ve taken on and split them up as you can. For example, if you’re breastfeeding you might ask him to give the baby a pumped bottle once a week for a night feeding. 

This should include household chores as well. If you’re changing diapers all day, it’s reasonable to ask him to take care of the laundry.  Or whatever.

Accept the Highs and the Lows

Prior to having a baby, your relationship might have been one big high. You loved each other and spent oodles of time together. Now you’re both tired, stressed out, and unsure of yourselves.

Your emotions will go through some significant highs and lows after bringing kids into the picture. It makes sense that your relationship will too.

If you anticipate this fluctuation, and understand that you’ll have good points again, it will be easier to handle these situations.

Note: I am not talking about the extreme highs and lows of toxic or abusive relationships!

Take Some Time For Yourself

Be honest…are you pulling away?

Girl, I get it.

You’re spending all of your days caring for your little one, so there’s not a whole lot left to nurture your man too.

Burn out is a clear sign that you need a break. Get out of the house. Go to your favorite coffee shop or hit the gym. Do something that makes you feel you again.

I always hesitate to call this self-care, because that makes it sound like you’re taking a spa day or going shopping (let’s be honest, though, sometimes that’s nice too).

Breaks are a necessary part of your mental health. It’s important for maintaining a healthy relationship with everyone around you.

As a new mom, I thought my daughter’s naptime counted as a break. For baby number two, I feel like I balanced mom life and Erin-life a little better. I left the house once a week to write.

By myself. At a coffee shop. No babies.

It was glorious, and I was a much better person because of it.

Just consider it, Mama.

Why Am I Feeling Disconnected From Husband After Baby?

You’re Exhausted

Scientifically, it’s hard to love someonewhen you’re going on three hours of sleep. Lack of sleep affects our cognitive function, our memory, and our emotions. 

It’s hard to have conversations when you’re exhausted, let alone connect with someone on a deep, spiritual level. 

Hormones

By six months, your hormones should regulate to their pre-pregnanacy levels.

Until then, you might experience anxiety, anger, or even sadness. Friend, it is normal not feel right during this time.

However, I encourage you to be very aware of deeper problems like Postpartum Depression. I’m sure you’re already well aware of the clinical signs and symptoms.

Sometimes, our symptoms won’t match up to what a textbook says. If you’re constantly feeling sad and lonely, please read this article. Several moms share their personal experiences with postpartum depression and what led them to seek out help. It’s so helpful!

Lack of Quality Time

He’s busy, you’re busy, and now you have a baby to care for. 

Hey, it happens. That’s why making time for each other (with or without baby) is critical. 

He’s Not Sharing the Responsibility Equally

Do you find yourself comparing how many diapers you’ve changed today? Are you feeling resentful when your husband is fast asleep and you’re warming up baby’s formula at 2AM? 

I get it.

Being supportive during the pregnancy is a cinch. But helping with the new baby? Sometimes that’s a paralyzing task. They might feel more comfortable taking on the role of the provider financially, rather than sharing the overwhelming responsibility of your baby’s physical needs.

I can’t tell you how many conversations we have had about equally sharing the tasks needed to maintain our newborn. 

He’s Stressed

Did you know that paternal postnatal depression is a thing? He might not have the same hormone fluctuations, but the birth of a child can make guys feel anxious, overwhelmed, and exhausted. That’s because parenthood is hard, and it tends to bring out your worst fears in ways that you’ve never experienced before.  Your partner might feel nervous over financial concerns, fears about your baby’s health, exhaustion, or insecurities. 

In any case, he might go into survival mode, which creates a gaping, emotional hole between you two. 

It’s difficult to break through this wall, because ultimately, it’s up to him.

My advice:

Ask him how he’s doing. Really listen to his concerns if he shares them with you. Sometimes, a man’s fears might sound silly compared to our own (my husband told me that he was afraid he would do something wrong, so that’s why he didn’t help with bathing. It sounded silly to me, but he was 100% serious).

What Have You Done to Reconnect with Your Husband After Having a Baby?

Before you had a baby, your relationship with your lover was…well, not perfect, but it was something at least. Now sometimes you feel like you’re roommates. The romance in your relationship is gone. Sex is non-existent. And all you can do is focus on the precious (but time-consuming baby in your arms.

This is a difficult time. It’s a lonely time. 

When I walked through this phase, I prayed all the time. Mostly for comfort (because I wasn’t getting it from him, obviously), but also that our marriage would make it through. I think that was the hardest thing to pray about. I felt so resentful and alone that I just wanted to throw in the towel and walk away. Instead, I prayed that he would get it and that I would be patient in the meantime. 

It sucks that such an important, beautiful part of your life is overshadowed by this feeling. I truly hope that these tips help, and you’re able to find a deeper, more fulfilling bond with your husband soon.

Moms who have gone through this, please share your tips below! We’d love to know them!